I die a thousand tiny deaths every day...but I'm not dead.
My full-time job and all these classes I so cheerfully signed up for are keeping me away from the blogging world. I'm writing, I'm reading, I'm working my ass off, but I'm not blogging. (a tiny death)
I'm also not painting, not cleaning, not cooking, and not socializing. (more deaths) The children have wisely moved out of my house. I cannot describe what a difference it makes in my ability to get schoolwork done. They think this means I am no longer parenting. That might be true, but since I can no longer parent in the style to which I am accustomed, I have resorted to simply worrying. (a death)
I worry that Sara won't be able to get back and forth to work because her car is broken. I worry that Jacob is going to get some poor, unsuspecting girl pregnant. I worry that David is sleeping on park benches, because he shows up here every once in a while to check the bus schedule on the computer. I worry that Matt doesn't have a clean uniform for work.They'll do their own things, though. They may not make the decisions I encourage them to make, but I can't control any of that (nor would I want to, they have their own lives).
I worry about all the other things a mom worries about, and even more than I ever thought about before they were all on their own.
Tiny little things.
Tiny little deaths.
.
.
.
My full-time job and all these classes I so cheerfully signed up for are keeping me away from the blogging world. I'm writing, I'm reading, I'm working my ass off, but I'm not blogging. (a tiny death)
I'm also not painting, not cleaning, not cooking, and not socializing. (more deaths) The children have wisely moved out of my house. I cannot describe what a difference it makes in my ability to get schoolwork done. They think this means I am no longer parenting. That might be true, but since I can no longer parent in the style to which I am accustomed, I have resorted to simply worrying. (a death)
I worry that Sara won't be able to get back and forth to work because her car is broken. I worry that Jacob is going to get some poor, unsuspecting girl pregnant. I worry that David is sleeping on park benches, because he shows up here every once in a while to check the bus schedule on the computer. I worry that Matt doesn't have a clean uniform for work.They'll do their own things, though. They may not make the decisions I encourage them to make, but I can't control any of that (nor would I want to, they have their own lives).
I worry about all the other things a mom worries about, and even more than I ever thought about before they were all on their own.
Tiny little things.
Tiny little deaths.
.
.
.
Worry when they're with you, worry more when they're away. It's a thankless task being a parent
ReplyDeleteExactly. I wish I could just find some peace with it, just for a little while.
DeleteMy entire day is one large death! I just put it down to life experience :)
ReplyDeleteI've just visited your blog, and I think you have a pretty good heart, Wayne. Your little deaths might be the result of you just being a wonderful person living in a horrible world. I hope it gets better.
DeleteAnd while they're away practicing at being grown up, you're making your future. I'll bet they'd look you up first in a real emergency.
ReplyDeleteOf course, this morning they have proven you right. My day started with phone calls from the kids.
DeleteSo good to see a blog post from you. Sorry to hear about the worries though. I know from experience that it seems never ending - what am I saying? It is never ending! I'm going through a phase of worrying about my daughters AND the grandchildren as well now :( Strange you mention the bus timetable, but I reading an article about kids in London using the buses as a place to stay warm all night. Hope to see you here again soon. x
ReplyDeleteI worry about the grandchildren too, Dicky, but I know they have good parents, so it's not as troublesome to me. I am amused, though, seeing my children worry about their own children.
DeleteBy the way: is the photo in the header your town? I love seeing the places other bloggers live. Makes the world a bit smaller.
ReplyDeleteYes. That is the intersection of Paramount and Church on my drive home from work Tuesday afternoon. Those clouds were rolling in from the north. It was much more impressive in person. Two hours later the sky dumped four inches of snow on us. The next day, it melted away.
DeleteIt will eat you alive, yes?
ReplyDeleteI know... I'm spread in A LOT of directions right now... Blogging seems to be the only thing that "centers" me.
I'm the same. Blogging centers me, too. I wish I had more time to do it. I have to steal away from something else to squeeze it in.
DeleteSo, there's a whole new level of paranoia once my daughter graduates and heads off to university?!? Fucking perfect. The penance of being a parent.
ReplyDeleteHope you get some time to write and paint and blog and stuff soon...
oh, yes. The worrying never stops. I wish you luck. Oh, your poor daughter. Being an only child must be horrible. My kids can at least divert my attention to one of the other children temporarily. And I was lucky, too. Six brothers and a sister, and I was the so-called "Golden Child" that nobody ever worried about. :)
DeleteI feel the same about "not xyz'ing..." but am always glad to read posts from others like you.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Shopgirl. I hope we can both spend more time on the things we love soon.
DeleteHi, Nessa. The new round of NPR's Three-Minute Fiction is now open (deadline for entries is Sunday, Feb. 10). Thought you might like to make a submission (if you can carve out some time :). More info: http://www.npr.org/2013/02/02/170802328/three-minute-fiction-round-10-leave-a-message-after-the-beep.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Glenn, for thinking of me. I wish I had time. Good Luck to you!
DeleteAre all of us, bloggers, such 'worriers'?
ReplyDeleteYou don't have to worry about not blogging. We'll be here when you'll have time for writing... I know I will be and I hope others will stay too, since lately I'm not blogging either.
Thsnk you, Starlight. I'm always happy to see you in my blogroll, even if it's only once in a while.
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