My first rule of migraine pain is "Do not kill anybody until your migraine is completely gone and you've had a chance to re-evaluate your original desire to kill."
The reason that I've had to establish this as the first and most important rule to remember is that while I am in the throes of agony, I often make a list of all the people and animals who seem to be making it their life purpose to cause my head to explode. These people, obviously, must die. It is the surest and quickest way to stop them from doing the horrible things they are doing.
In reality, however, they are not actually trying to make me miserable. Many of them are probably not aware that I exist at all. They have no idea that I've shut myself away in the dark cave of my room with blackout curtains on the windows. They don't realize that I had to use the princess sleep mask just for good measure because the red glow of the alarm clock is slicing through my eyelids with its stabbing blades of digital light. They don't know that I've unplugged every electrical appliance in the house because the constant hum of electricity is pulsing through my skull like angry wasps.
The Fed Ex truck that drives down the street just a little too fast, roaring like a lion and then slamming on its squealing brakes when it reaches the house across the street? It's not driving into my living room, crashing through my bedroom wall and parking on my pillow.
The dog next door, fifteen or twenty feet away from my bedroom window, is not clamping its massive jaws into the tasty gray matter of my brain. It's only slowly crunching its dog food.
The eight-year-old girl who sings to herself as she walks past my house on the sidewalk is not practicing my death chant. She's just singing. And skipping. And breathing in and out.
I have to remind myself that it's okay for these people and animals to do these mundane, everyday activities. I forgive them their intrusion into my agony. They are simply living their lives. It is unfair of me to expect the world to stop spinning and for everybody to start tiptoe-ing around me just because I have a headache.
But that guy in the low-rider who cruises through here at three miles an hour blasting his car stereo with the bass turned so high that my windows vibrate? He dies tonight.
Just as soon as this Excedrin kicks in.
The reason that I've had to establish this as the first and most important rule to remember is that while I am in the throes of agony, I often make a list of all the people and animals who seem to be making it their life purpose to cause my head to explode. These people, obviously, must die. It is the surest and quickest way to stop them from doing the horrible things they are doing.
In reality, however, they are not actually trying to make me miserable. Many of them are probably not aware that I exist at all. They have no idea that I've shut myself away in the dark cave of my room with blackout curtains on the windows. They don't realize that I had to use the princess sleep mask just for good measure because the red glow of the alarm clock is slicing through my eyelids with its stabbing blades of digital light. They don't know that I've unplugged every electrical appliance in the house because the constant hum of electricity is pulsing through my skull like angry wasps.
The Fed Ex truck that drives down the street just a little too fast, roaring like a lion and then slamming on its squealing brakes when it reaches the house across the street? It's not driving into my living room, crashing through my bedroom wall and parking on my pillow.
The dog next door, fifteen or twenty feet away from my bedroom window, is not clamping its massive jaws into the tasty gray matter of my brain. It's only slowly crunching its dog food.
The eight-year-old girl who sings to herself as she walks past my house on the sidewalk is not practicing my death chant. She's just singing. And skipping. And breathing in and out.
I have to remind myself that it's okay for these people and animals to do these mundane, everyday activities. I forgive them their intrusion into my agony. They are simply living their lives. It is unfair of me to expect the world to stop spinning and for everybody to start tiptoe-ing around me just because I have a headache.
But that guy in the low-rider who cruises through here at three miles an hour blasting his car stereo with the bass turned so high that my windows vibrate? He dies tonight.
Just as soon as this Excedrin kicks in.
My daughter gets migraines, and often tries to recover similarly. Something I'd not wish on anyone.
ReplyDeleteThe opening and closing of this made me chuckle, though...
You could tell her that if she chews the Excedrin and holds it under her tongue, the medicine will get into her bloodstream faster. You may see that as extreme, but after a lifetime of suffering, I've developed a taste for it.
DeleteI've even heard that some people will crush it and snort it. Don't let her do that. It'll severely damage her nasal passages.
I can imagine you with a snipers rifle and night vision goggles; waiting for him to drive by. Migraine is a bitch and its astonishing how many people suffer from it. Hope you're feeling better by now? :)
ReplyDeleteI'd probably get the applause of the entire neighborhood.
DeleteAnd I am feeling much better, thank you.
If migraines didn't hurt, then you'd be able to enjoy episodes of "super" hearing and vision.
ReplyDeleteThat must be my problem. I must have superhuman talents, but I'm trapped in this regular human body. Somebody has stolen my superhuman body!
DeleteI hope you migraine goes away quickly.
ReplyDeleteAnd don't kill him. Just pull out his spark plugs >:)
Cold As Heaven
Those are under the hood, right?
DeleteYes, I think so. But I don't know anything about cars. I just drive >:)
DeleteCold As Heaven
Oh, Nessa darling, I feel for you, and I share that same migraine pain. I'd swear those thoughtless people ramp it up several notches when they know your head is being cut open with a saw.
ReplyDeleteI recently added magnesium and B2 to my daily vitamin regimen and--I'll probably jinx myself--seems it's helping. I think I actually warded a big one off the other day. Hope your better soon, and up and out of the dark.
I have some magnesium next to the B-complex. The migraines aren't as frequent now as they once were.
DeleteHave you ever tried to eliminate gluten from your diet? I know some people who have had migraines disappear when they do that. Just a random thought. I understand your desire to eliminate people though. I don't get migraines but I have been known to drink to excess a few times and the morning after, I wish death on everyone including myself.
ReplyDeleteI may try it, just to see if I can do it and if it works. (the gluten-free thing. Not the excessive drinking thing. I've already tried that one.)
DeleteI'm glad to see from the comments that you are feeling better now, migraines are evil. I liked your take on them in this post, I feel that way when I'm in the depths of insomnia sometimes.
ReplyDeleteInsomnia sucks, too, but it's not so bad if I can be productive.
DeleteYour descriptive post almost made me feel the migraine myself! I'm glad you're netter now. As for the guy with the stereo louder than the car engine (and I'm against capital punishment) truly deserves to have his ears wrenched off his head and the car shoved up where the sun never shines. Phew...how I detest those cretins who feel the urge to advertise other people's music as if it weere their own!
ReplyDeleteIn my old neighborhood, it wasn't such a big deal. It was more "interesting" over there. This neighborhood is much more quiet. Somehow, that makes it a worse intrusion.
DeleteYou write with great (dark) humour about something which can be a total nightmare. I really sympathise - I get migraines as well.
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear you're feeling better now.
Growing up, I always thought I was a freak. Out of eight children, I was the only one who ever got migraines. It doesn't make it better now that I know there are so many people like me, but at least I'm not all alone.
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