Friday, January 14, 2011

Invisibility has its perks.

I am a self-absorbed, anti-social, society-shunning, reclusive philanthropist.
That doesn't really make sense to me, but it's true. I love people. I love my kids, and I love my friends, and I love watching my neighbors out the window. I don't necessarily want to interact with my neighbors everyday, but I manage to wave every once in a while. I'm not shy to walk next door and hand them mail that was mistakenly placed in my box. I like to donate to the garage sale that seems to happen every weekend across the street. I buy Girl Scout cookies as often as possible.
I think every one of my neighbors knows my dog's name. She's a wild one. She jumps the fence and runs off. She knows every other dog in the neighborhood by bark and by smell. Once, she escaped while in heat and managed to give birth to five puppies, each created of a different father. She's a popular one. She's not like me at all. I love her even so.
One of my best friends recently quit working for the same company as me. Her husband still works there. He works in my department, and we get along very well. He's often inviting me to their house for a "wild alcoholic booze party" (private joke, haha), but I haven't gone. Not once since she abandoned me. And I hardly talk to her. I'm a bad, lazy friend. I can't believe she still wants to hang out with me.
My daughter moved out a couple of years ago, and has given birth to my grandson, The Ruler of My World. (If you don't yet have children, may I suggest having grandkids first. They are so much more fun.) Anyhoo. I don't want to bother my daughter. She's busy. She works and has a baby, and she has many many friends that keep her running here and there. When she visits, she usually has a friend or a cousin in tow. They often arrive with laundry. I like those days, but I act annoyed, mostly because I don't want her to show up everyday with even more friends. They eat all my food and they don't clean up after themselves.
My sons are different. They still live here, and they are teenagers. They have much better things to do than to hang out with their cranky mom all day.
David is in the living room, right now, contradicting me. He and his friend Zakk have been here for a week, and they just won't leave. My niece Laura came and took them the other day, but they were back in the house within two hours, asking for something to eat. Begging for money. (Not getting any.)
My dog thinks Zakk lives here. I'm not for sure if Zakk doesn't think he lives here.
I don't care who's President, as long as it's not me, but I vote in every election for the one I like better.
I volunteered at the Food Bank recently. I had to interact with the public and smile without receiving monetary compensation. It wasn't so bad. I didn't bite anyone, and I barely growled. The other volunteers were nice, but they stopped talking to me when they discovered I was thirty-seven AND a grandmother. I look younger than I am. It makes people uncomfortable. If I ever get married, I hope it will be to a blind man.

Ah, here's Zakk, asing for a ride to work. I didn't even know he had a job.


  1. hehe...good stuff, now go get wasted with your friend like a grandma is supposed to.

  2. (sigh)...if you really think I should....