Tuesday, March 26, 2013

What's All This Four?

I might be a socially inept retard when it comes to functioning in the "out there" among "the others," but I understand elevator etiquette just fine. If I am the first to board an empty car, I am kind enough to ask, "Which floor?"

"Four, please."

Is it my fault that as I extend my finger for the button, I tend to hesitate? I am suddenly worried about the possibility that we are not actually in the elevator at all. We have stepped into some kind of time/space machine, and pressing 4 will take us back to some random time or place having to do with the number four. Age Four, Four o'clock. Fourth Grade. The Fourth of July. The movie, I am Number Four.The Four Gospels. The Four Corners. The Four Horsemen. Four score and seven years ago...

I hesitate, frightened of the possibilities, and then I suck it up and press that Number Four with wild abandon, crazy with anticipation.

There's no turning back. I have either freed us or doomed us with the simple push of a button.Where will we end up?

My gut clenches as we are whisked away. Blip. Blip. Blip.

The doors slide silently open, revealing the new world in which we must carve our own paths.

 I was right all along.

Here we are on the Fourth Floor.


Tuesday, March 12, 2013


     Years ago you had that unexpected dream that changed the way you saw me. I remember your eyes boring into me when you told me about it. You told me you loved me, really loved me...in the dream. I halfway thought you loved me right then, but I wasn't ready to deal with it. I laughed it off and commented how funny dreams could be to make you have feelings for somebody who was completely off your radar. You flinched, as if I'd hurt you, but you recovered quickly and half-laughed as well. Our friends were listening in on our conversation, trying not to be obvious about it. Failing.

    I danced clumsily with that other guy one night, and you got jealous. I called you out and kissed you on the patio in the rain. It was a quick wet, drunken smack delivered in a moment of complete stupidity, but I closed my eyes so I wouldn't have to see that smug little smile of yours. You knew you had me then. It was only a matter of time.

     Everything's been messed up ever since. We're so scared to take that leap over the edge, we're clinging to each other, hovering right there on the precipice of truth and life and love. Somehow it comforts me to know that although we're not making any progress, at least we're not doing it together.

     Today when I saw you, I wanted to tell you about the dream I had last night that made me feel so close to you.  I looked into your deep eyes and stumbled on my own tongue. We laughed at my awkwardness. I couldn't form the words. I couldn't tell you how  you loved me, really loved me...in the dream.